father’s day came and gone over the weekend. it’s a strange occasion to me. when my dad was around, it didnt seem like an important occasion to celebrate. but now that he has passed, father’s day seems to be very significant instead. i watched an episode of Grey’s Anatomy the week before – ‘how insensitive’ – and there was a scene in which Cristina was consoling a daughter of a patient who was dying from a heart attack with this monologue -

‘if your mum dies, you will feel a lot of things. first you’ll feel like you could have done more to help her but that’s not true. you’ve done everything you could. you won’t feel that way but remember me telling you this – you did everything you could. and it will hurt every time you think of her. but over time it will hurt less and less. and eventually, you will remember her and it will only hurt a little.’

i thought that was a very accurate insight.

what i probably miss most about my dad is his laughter. and sometimes, when i allow myself to do so, i think of my dad and the ways i could have made him laugh a little harder.